Working It

I have been working my ass off. At home. At work. With friends. Everywhere it seems I have been working hard. Hard to make things work. Does that make sense? Since going back to work, scratch that, since I became a mom things, to me, have seemed a bit jumbled. My very personality begs me to bite off more than I can chew. And I often do. It makes life more challenging, fascinating. But the thing about biting off more than you can chew when you have a child is, the thing you should be chewing can easily be your child.....maybe a bad analogy....

I took so long to go back to work. I needed time to figure things out. Because when I went back to work I didn't want to drop the ball, not with Walter, not with work. When I work I want to be fully engaged in it. I want to be successful. I am a hard worker. I love to work. Work has always been an outlet for me to very realistically measure my success. Contrast that with becoming a mom where the only measure of success I have some days is making it through with little to no tears. There are very few "thank yous" even fewer "good jobs". But nonetheless I do a good amazing job each day 24/7 365 days a week. Walter is happy and healthy, clothed appropriately, I know intuitively when they he is tired, hungry or needs a diaper change, I go to the park, I feed him healthy foods, I play with him, I make sure his needs are met. Yet, there is no measure of success, except a smile or a belly laugh or a "I love you mama" or a kiss. In some ways a few weeks after having Walter I was ready to get back on the work horse. Sleep deprivation and fear got the better of me.

So I've been back to work for just shy of six months. I have a promotion under my belt. I work hard. I put in long hours. Its been really hard and exhausting but so rewarding. I was asked to move up to the "fast track" to management. It was SO tempting. I stepped back and said no. I am going to take it slow.  I've been very nostalgic this week. It could be in part because I am in charge of our store's Holiday promotion this year--the holidays ALWAYS make me nostalgic. It could be in part that most of Walter's little friends are turning two. I can't stand it, they are growing up SO FAST. Whatever the reason I've been thinking of the past a lot lately. 

One observation that keeps swirling in my head; if I am in the same place I was six years ago, do I regret leaving the company? Do I feel like I've gone backward? And the simple answer is no. The amount of wisdom I've learned in the past six years could fill libraries. I am so grateful for those life lessons. I have a happy child who is healthy and our relationship has only strengthened since going back to work. I also know I don't have to be the consummate "go getter" at work to be doing a good job. And most importantly I feel like for the first time, in a very, very long time I am finding my sure footing. One foot confidently in front of the other. And that is the best feeling of all. So I am going to keep up all the hard work and go slow.

Aren't you embarrassed?

A few months back I posted about "the mess" the all consuming "mess" that comes with raising a child. Here is an update in my ongoing relationship with "the mess".

"Aren't you embarrased?" Jose asked rather pointedly when he was feverishly picking up at 330pm waiting for our nanny to come watch Walter while we enjoyed a much needed night out together.

"No." I replied back at him.

It stunned me. Usually I just reply to questions like that defensively like it was somehow an attack on my ability to keep the house clean. But this time I meant it. To my core. I think I've become at one with "the mess", could that be? To quote the great author Sark from Living Juicy, "you do enough, you are enough, you have enough." I think that is singlehandedly the best piece of advice and the hardest piece of advice to follow.

Something has got to give, working 20-30 hours (I have NO IDEA how moms who work full time do it), being the sole night time parent (ie the parent that wakes up if the child wakes up), playing with and educating Walter, nursing Walter (that is a whole other post in itself), feeding the family, household chores, family calendar planner, wow, the list keeps going but I finally get it, in the words of Sark: I do enough. If there are crumbs on the floor when the nanny comes, oh well.

I think it also comes down to my priorities. And yes, I would rather go to the park on a nice day and play with Walter, than mop. I would rather teach Walter jazz hands as I teach him his ABC's, than the laundry, I would rather give my family tasty meals than vacuum. So in all honesty no, I am not embarrassed, because those things will be there in five years, Walter, however will be in first grade and then, hopefully, just hopefully there will be time to tidy. But for now, I am at piece with the mess--at least for now.

The Plan

So a quick disclaimer this post is going to be rambly, philisophical--it's more of an agmaglamation of all the posts I've wanted to post last week but I have been to tired to think about or write coherently.

Work has kicked my ass! I've only worked 30 hours last week but it feels like 300. My feet ache, my body aches. But its all good, I am finally being paid to mop floors and clean toilets, so really I've earned myself a promotion! Its fun being able to concentrate on the task at hand and not always worrying about where Walter is, if the wall is being colored by marker, the toilet stuffed with too much toilet paper, and where exactly did those strawberries come from. Its also amazing to start AND finish a task without being interrupted. LOVE IT. I like the fact that I am a barista and not a mom, I like making coffee and getting to know people.

At first I thought Walter was pretty okay with me leaving for work and then I started opening (meaning I had to be out of the house by 415am) and all hell broke loose. He cried and cried for 30 min, asking for me and there was no consoling by Jose. It was horrible. And then on the back end he now insists that I start putting him to bed. It is horrible and I felt like a shitty mom for leaving him. For two reasons, its hard on him, and then because I like being at work.  I know Walter likes hanging out with Nikki, he hugs her good-bye and runs to the window to watch her leave an act he does for only those close to his heart. And I just recently found out that she lets him play ball on the stairs which is strictly forbidden by Jose and myself, so he is having a good time. He has picked up painting with her too and LOVES it. So I don't want it to sound all bad. Its not. Its just an adjustment that is being made.

I of course start thinking of my plan I had for myself. Go back to school get my nursing prerequisites and go to nursing school. Very little of which has happened. And I hate that. I could hear the disappointment in my grandma's voice yesterday when I told her I was working at Starbucks again. I hate disappointing people. Its the worst feeling in the world. But if there is one thing I have learned in the past year is that you can't please everyone. And you have to be pleased with yourself and your life before you can start pleasing anyone else. So what is the plan you ask? I am throwing the planning book out the window into the compost pile. I am a mom, I have a job, I am writing this blog, which I intend to update at least three times a week,  and I need to be a good partner/spouse. And the rest well I figure that will fall into place. Maybe I will be a nurse, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll open my own coffee shop up, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll write a bestseller and never have to work again, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll have another baby, maybe I won't. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I am focusing myself in the present, and setting myself up for success in the future. The rest falls to the wayside for now, its simply not important.

The other key to this conundrum is the fact that I love being at home with Walter. I love making dinner for my family every night. I never thought I would, nor did I think it was very PC of me, in fact I think I've really had to grapple with the fact that I would rather stay at home and raise my family than have a career. There I said it and I am now singlehandedly setting the woman's movement back 40 years. But thats the thing. That's what I want, thats my prerogative, it may not be what Sally wants down the street, and thats okay. I think we as women have come far enough that if we want to have a family and career we should be able to, and if we want to stay at home we should be able to, and if we want to work part-time making coffee we should be able to. To me that is what the feminist movement has been/is all about, giving women the choice.

We don't know what the future holds but we learn from our past. So I am giving up on the plan for awhile, I am going to enjoy the summer, enjoy my son, enjoy my wonderful partner/spouse, enjoy my friends and family, enjoy my job and then get back to planning when I feel like it.

And if you are still reading, thank you for listening, or reading, or just being there.