So a quick disclaimer this post is going to be rambly, philisophical--it's more of an agmaglamation of all the posts I've wanted to post last week but I have been to tired to think about or write coherently.
Work has kicked my ass! I've only worked 30 hours last week but it feels like 300. My feet ache, my body aches. But its all good, I am finally being paid to mop floors and clean toilets, so really I've earned myself a promotion! Its fun being able to concentrate on the task at hand and not always worrying about where Walter is, if the wall is being colored by marker, the toilet stuffed with too much toilet paper, and where exactly did those strawberries come from. Its also amazing to start AND finish a task without being interrupted. LOVE IT. I like the fact that I am a barista and not a mom, I like making coffee and getting to know people.
At first I thought Walter was pretty okay with me leaving for work and then I started opening (meaning I had to be out of the house by 415am) and all hell broke loose. He cried and cried for 30 min, asking for me and there was no consoling by Jose. It was horrible. And then on the back end he now insists that I start putting him to bed. It is horrible and I felt like a shitty mom for leaving him. For two reasons, its hard on him, and then because I like being at work. I know Walter likes hanging out with Nikki, he hugs her good-bye and runs to the window to watch her leave an act he does for only those close to his heart. And I just recently found out that she lets him play ball on the stairs which is strictly forbidden by Jose and myself, so he is having a good time. He has picked up painting with her too and LOVES it. So I don't want it to sound all bad. Its not. Its just an adjustment that is being made.
I of course start thinking of my plan I had for myself. Go back to school get my nursing prerequisites and go to nursing school. Very little of which has happened. And I hate that. I could hear the disappointment in my grandma's voice yesterday when I told her I was working at Starbucks again. I hate disappointing people. Its the worst feeling in the world. But if there is one thing I have learned in the past year is that you can't please everyone. And you have to be pleased with yourself and your life before you can start pleasing anyone else. So what is the plan you ask? I am throwing the planning book out the window into the compost pile. I am a mom, I have a job, I am writing this blog, which I intend to update at least three times a week, and I need to be a good partner/spouse. And the rest well I figure that will fall into place. Maybe I will be a nurse, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll open my own coffee shop up, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll write a bestseller and never have to work again, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll have another baby, maybe I won't. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I am focusing myself in the present, and setting myself up for success in the future. The rest falls to the wayside for now, its simply not important.
The other key to this conundrum is the fact that I love being at home with Walter. I love making dinner for my family every night. I never thought I would, nor did I think it was very PC of me, in fact I think I've really had to grapple with the fact that I would rather stay at home and raise my family than have a career. There I said it and I am now singlehandedly setting the woman's movement back 40 years. But thats the thing. That's what I want, thats my prerogative, it may not be what Sally wants down the street, and thats okay. I think we as women have come far enough that if we want to have a family and career we should be able to, and if we want to stay at home we should be able to, and if we want to work part-time making coffee we should be able to. To me that is what the feminist movement has been/is all about, giving women the choice.
We don't know what the future holds but we learn from our past. So I am giving up on the plan for awhile, I am going to enjoy the summer, enjoy my son, enjoy my wonderful partner/spouse, enjoy my friends and family, enjoy my job and then get back to planning when I feel like it.
And if you are still reading, thank you for listening, or reading, or just being there.
I love all the maybes. Maybes are the spice of life. They're like a dream or a goal put in a less threatening light :) You maybe go for it girlfriend! I'm trying to learn to enjoy the journey and not focus on the destination which really shouldn't be difficult but somehow just is. I think they beat the fun of the journey out of us in grades K through 12 and reinforce the destination throughout college. Sigh. I love the idea of cooking but the cooking itself, so it's good for me to be reminded to enjoy the process; thanks!!
ReplyDelete"I never thought I would, nor did I think it was very PC of me, in fact I think I've really had to grapple with the fact that I would rather stay at home and raise my family than have a career. There I said it and I am now singlehandedly setting the woman's movement back 40 years. "
ReplyDeleteThe entire point of agitating for & demanding change from the system is to gain the ability to exercise a full range of choices. SAHM= valuable and from what I see, very rewarding. Of course with more choices come more maybes. Luxuriate in the indecision, fodder for writing! I look forward to reading more.