Friday, June 10, 2011

What Big Boys Do

Yesterday was a series of mind-blowing firsts as a mother. I am so grateful to have been there to witness them all....

Mind blowing first #1: I asked Walter if he wanted to dress himself, he said yes, I told him to go pick out a shirt, he did, and proceeded in putting on the shirt himself, the only snag was the head hole which proves to be a bit hard, since he has the head of a four-year-old, according to his summer hat. I then told him to pick out pants, he picked out a practical pair of blue sweats, and put them on all by himself. WHAT?!?! When did he learn to do this? He did it! I was over the moon

Mind blowing first #2: Showering since Walter was born has been a group activity, and it seems just as I've embrassed the "duck throwing game"* he changed the game. I got into the shower (sorry--hope the visual hasn't turned anyone away), started doing my business at rapid speed waiting for the duck, but only there was a strange silence....Oh shit I thought to myself, I should have put the baby gate up at the top of the stairs, as my heart lurched up into my throat, I called Walter's name, no response, so I stick myself out and do a visual investigation, whereupon I find him on the comfy brown chair reading to himself! The best part? He looked very agitated that I would disturb his reading!

He's growing up. Last year it was how tall, how much weight he could gain, this year its been more subtle. Being able to entertain himself, the words and phrases he has learned, the facial gestures, jokes, the personality blossoming, its mind-blowingly incredible. Sometimes I just want to freeze time and live in a moment forever like yesterday.

*Duck throwing game consists of me grabbing his rubber duck and throwing it over the curtain rod for him to catch, then him getting the duck, running back to the shower, pulling the curtain back and then throwing it at me, repeat as many times as necessary until mom is clean.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Treasures Found

I am getting rid of my old iphone. It has cracks in it, the on/off button broke off, it had been dropped in the toilet, actually its been dropped more times than I can remember, this phone was a trooper. We sold it on ebay and it fetched a handsome $182.50 not bad for the condition it was in, and considering it is 2.5 years old. So last night I had to erase all the stuff that was on there but first needed to go through it to make sure nothing sacred was lost.

I am so glad I took one last look.

On it, in the notes section were tiny snip-its of journal entries from when Walter was first born, sleeping and feeding logs, a rundown of his routine from the first time I left him for an entire day, and many other gems including an e-note from my neighbor. So I wonder, as our civilization becomes increasingly more technologically advanced, will the scraps of paper that once contained those things be a relic of the past? I immediately emailed all those "notes" to my email and now they are just sitting there, waiting for me to do something. I think what will most likely happen is I will print those journal entries out and put them into Walter's baby book. It was so fun to read, so fun to reminice and so amazing to see how far we've come:

607 up
830 nap nursed down (5 min) got really cranky no other sign was tired
9 am woke up on way to car
1030-12 3 cat naps @ movies lasting no longer than 10 min
1245 fell asleep in car
115 woke up at home
530 cried on jose's shoulder
550 woke up ate prunes animated
645 went back to sleep by water
730 woke up, fought sleep
10pm asleep water/rocking in arms/singing/nursing
145 155
3am hands and ATMs flailing 316 popped offa lot
430 4440
720 woke up
Total sleep: 9.5 hours
Total night wakings: 3
Total night sleep: 7
Total naps/hours napped: 2.5

After reading that I was instantly transported back to that day, I remembered being so tired and the auto correct making ATM out of my intention to write arms. I am so grateful to have those lost memories come back, I hope I can find some more somewhere else.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Plan

So a quick disclaimer this post is going to be rambly, philisophical--it's more of an agmaglamation of all the posts I've wanted to post last week but I have been to tired to think about or write coherently.

Work has kicked my ass! I've only worked 30 hours last week but it feels like 300. My feet ache, my body aches. But its all good, I am finally being paid to mop floors and clean toilets, so really I've earned myself a promotion! Its fun being able to concentrate on the task at hand and not always worrying about where Walter is, if the wall is being colored by marker, the toilet stuffed with too much toilet paper, and where exactly did those strawberries come from. Its also amazing to start AND finish a task without being interrupted. LOVE IT. I like the fact that I am a barista and not a mom, I like making coffee and getting to know people.

At first I thought Walter was pretty okay with me leaving for work and then I started opening (meaning I had to be out of the house by 415am) and all hell broke loose. He cried and cried for 30 min, asking for me and there was no consoling by Jose. It was horrible. And then on the back end he now insists that I start putting him to bed. It is horrible and I felt like a shitty mom for leaving him. For two reasons, its hard on him, and then because I like being at work.  I know Walter likes hanging out with Nikki, he hugs her good-bye and runs to the window to watch her leave an act he does for only those close to his heart. And I just recently found out that she lets him play ball on the stairs which is strictly forbidden by Jose and myself, so he is having a good time. He has picked up painting with her too and LOVES it. So I don't want it to sound all bad. Its not. Its just an adjustment that is being made.

I of course start thinking of my plan I had for myself. Go back to school get my nursing prerequisites and go to nursing school. Very little of which has happened. And I hate that. I could hear the disappointment in my grandma's voice yesterday when I told her I was working at Starbucks again. I hate disappointing people. Its the worst feeling in the world. But if there is one thing I have learned in the past year is that you can't please everyone. And you have to be pleased with yourself and your life before you can start pleasing anyone else. So what is the plan you ask? I am throwing the planning book out the window into the compost pile. I am a mom, I have a job, I am writing this blog, which I intend to update at least three times a week,  and I need to be a good partner/spouse. And the rest well I figure that will fall into place. Maybe I will be a nurse, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll open my own coffee shop up, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll write a bestseller and never have to work again, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll have another baby, maybe I won't. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I am focusing myself in the present, and setting myself up for success in the future. The rest falls to the wayside for now, its simply not important.

The other key to this conundrum is the fact that I love being at home with Walter. I love making dinner for my family every night. I never thought I would, nor did I think it was very PC of me, in fact I think I've really had to grapple with the fact that I would rather stay at home and raise my family than have a career. There I said it and I am now singlehandedly setting the woman's movement back 40 years. But thats the thing. That's what I want, thats my prerogative, it may not be what Sally wants down the street, and thats okay. I think we as women have come far enough that if we want to have a family and career we should be able to, and if we want to stay at home we should be able to, and if we want to work part-time making coffee we should be able to. To me that is what the feminist movement has been/is all about, giving women the choice.

We don't know what the future holds but we learn from our past. So I am giving up on the plan for awhile, I am going to enjoy the summer, enjoy my son, enjoy my wonderful partner/spouse, enjoy my friends and family, enjoy my job and then get back to planning when I feel like it.

And if you are still reading, thank you for listening, or reading, or just being there.